Who Do You Write Off? Moving from Polarization to Connection
Who have you written off? Who do you believe connection with is not possible? Who do you believe is fundamentally different from you and exclude from being one of “your people”? Who have you deemed unworthy of knowing? Who do you fear getting near? Who have you written off?
I have written off people in my life. More than I would like to admit. I have closed my ears, my mind and heart without taking the time to look and listen more deeply, to learn stories, to know people beneath the surface of my preconceived notions. I have judged and separated. Most of this has taken place below my awareness. I did none of it with intention of harm. It was just the way things seemed to have to be. It did not occur to me that there was another way.
Patterns of polarization, separation and disconnection run rampant in our world. We absorb them as we come into the world. They’re passed down through generations, reinforced and enforced via societal institutions and norms. These patterns have become so ingrained and entrenched in our systems and our bodies that we often don’t notice they are at play. Yet they very much are and are doing us each and all harm. They are creating and sustaining oppression among humans, destroying our natural world and leading to deep loneliness, grief and fear.
That’s not a pretty picture, but thankfully, contrary to how it can often seem, disconnection and polarization are not our natural way and are not what any human truly wants. We would not have survived without an underlying drive towards connection and collaboration. We yearn for it. It is our inherent nature. We have been trained not to notice the abundance of shining examples all around and within but they are there.
For many historic reasons, we have collectively gone astray from important parts of our inherent nature. We need to turn from individualistic, disconnected, polarized ways of being and reclaim our natural connection to each other and ourselves. We need to do this now. We get to do this now. It is the only way we can repair all that is off in our world and repair the ties that have broken among us. It’s not unrealistic, wishful thinking. It is absolutely possible. It is in fact already happening, by so many who are making change in profoundly beautiful and impactful ways.
I made a friend in Georgia last year with someone who, not long ago, I would have thought connection with was not possible, or even desirable. Our encounter was brief and we will likely never see each other again. Yet in our moments together, this man who I will call Joe, touched my heart and I’m quite sure I touched his. On the surface Joe and I seem quite different. We see parts of the world differently. We vote differently. Our daily lives look different. Joe is a white, Christian, male minister from rural Georgia. He votes for Republicans. I am a white, Jewish woman from urban and suburban New York. I had traveled to Georgia, U.S. to encourage people to vote for two Democrats, one Jewish and one African Heritage. Joe had never had a conversation with someone who votes for democrats before he encountered me. I had never been to the home of a man like Joe before I knocked on his door.
As we talked, Joe expressed some opinions I strongly disagree with. I could have walked away from Joe the moment I heard his views. I could have judged him ignorant, closed-minded and unworthy of my time. Years before I might well have. But I had traveled across the U.S. because I was moved by the opportunity to meet and know people I might never otherwise encounter. I wanted to learn more about people I did not yet know and see them more truly and wholly. I wanted to understand what their lives are like and what has led them to their beliefs. I reached for connection across ethnicity, class, religion, region, political affiliation and other so called differences to learn what is possible beyond our assumptions and patterns of division. So I did not walk away from Joe. I stayed and worked to listen deeply to him and share my own self as well. I am so glad I did.
Part of me cannot understand how Joe can believe the things he does. I so want to believe that I would never be so unaware. Yet I have come to see that I am not as different from Joe as I would like to think. We are all susceptible to unawarely taking in misinformation. We all received inaccurate messages from a young age. We could not help but internalize some of them as they came in from those we were closest to, those who raised us, those who led us. They were overpowering and overtook our ability to think, especially about people, places and issues we had no connection to or relationship with. We all end up with blindspots. My blind spots are not the same as Joe’s but they exist and may be no less harmful. That is deeply painful to face. Yet it is also so freeing, because it opens the way forward.
I have recently begun to hear undercurrents of separation and polarization in commonly used terms such as “like minded”. These undercurrents exist in many of our languages and attitudes, especially in languages such as English (my language) and in countries such as the United States (my country), with their histories of domination and division. What do notions such as “like minded” really mean? If you seem to think, see the world, vote, practice religion, dress, eat, etc. as I do, I will associate with you but if you seem to think differently, I choose not to know you. Defining and fixing people based on something they think or do at a given moment does not reflect the true depth and substance of who humans are and can be. It is a limited understanding of what is possible between and within us. I certainly would not want to be defined by or judged for some of the ideas I have held in my life. We get to reach for each other when we are off base with kindness, connection and the understanding that none of us is better or worse than anyone else. This is what will most effectively enable change in the areas we most need.
It is external conditions of our lives and societies, not character flaws, that cause any of us to be unthinking, uncaring, unaware and closed in our view and treatment of others. Understanding this allows us to address our problems at their true root. Seeing individual people or groups as the problem, turning our backs on them, refusing to learn and care about their stories and lives, blaming, judging and maligning them gets us nowhere good and only leads to deeper entrenchment of our harmful ways. It is the conditions of all peoples’ lives that we need to change to end polarization, oppression and all forms of harm.
Should I not have opened my heart to Joe? Should I have not have stretched myself to learn his story? What could possibly have been better about that? Most, if not all of us, have experienced connection with those we did not expect to. We have felt how heart-lifting, mind-opening and hopeful that can be. Opening to connection, with genuine caring and respect, especially with those we have been closed to, not only allows us to see others more fully and accurately but it also enables us to see ourselves more clearly. It is a powerful act with potent impact that reverberates well beyond that moment. So what gets in our way of doing that all the time, with everyone? What are we afraid of? What would it be like to open to connection where it does not feel possible or desirable? What is the risk in that? What do we have to lose? More importantly, what do we have to gain if we try a different path? Joe couldn’t see beyond the preconceived notions he has been taught about people he has not known. Much as I don’t want it to be so, I have done the same. I just can’t see where or how. Not yet. But I fully intend to. Now that I know the way. Now that I know what is possible on the other side.
